What we need is hope
by Nadeshiko Redfox
Summary: Life can be hard. And sometimes we give up. Sometimes we just need to heal. And more often than not our favorite characters can help us do just that. After all, maybe what we need is hope for the future...and a slight bit of magic too.


**Authors note:** I'm gonna start this off right now by saying this covers very triggering/sensitive/sad topics and I by no means condone suicide or hurting yourself in any way. I have been suicidal. I have hurt myself. I hate myself. I get it if anyone who reads this feels that way too. All I can say is that things get better. I'm writing this not to glorify giving up but to let myself vent my frustrations. I can't afford therapy so I'll write it out instead with my favorite characters. That being said I'm a terrible writer so please don't have too high expectations for me. Constructive criticism is always appreciated and I hope that someone will enjoy my story. Rated T or M for language, dark themes, and suggestive scenes down the road and around the corner.

Ever notice how a lot of stories start out with "I died and became a hero of a magic world?" I don't know how many variations of it I've read. Countless. One of my favorite tired tropes. Gives ya hope for the afterlife ya know? Or maybe even just life. There's a whole lot of bad going on in the world. It's exhausting. Who wouldn't want to magically wake up in a brand new world where you become super powerful and all important? Unfortunately that's not really how life goes. But here's a story to shed a little light on hope…

The only thing I know for certain is that I am dead. I don't remember how, but honestly I expected more lights and clouds and singing. Not a...void? That was a good way to describe it. A big inky void stretching on in every direction. There was no up or down. No walls and corners. Just unending space. I was sitting cross legged somehow. There was a floor apparently. Or I had learned to levitate in my now dead state. I don't know how long I had been in this void before awakening. There was no day or night. No passage of time. I just simply existed. It was a good way to reflect on my life on earth. Not that there was much of note to review. I was a normal girl with a normal life. There were good days and hard days. I was a nice person but I had my moments where I regretted being rude or harsh. Perfectly normal. Ordinary. I could reflect on my mental ailments as well. Detachment from reality. Eating disorders. Depression. Low self esteem. Anxiety attacks over the littlest things. Thinking I was alone and unwanted and unnecessary in the world. So much time I had wasted away by my own hands. I could scream and shout and curse the unfairness in the void. I could laugh and cry. I could sit in total silence. Endless time to fix what I had broken.

Time has no meaning in death. It is a mortal concept. A way to keep things orderly. I was beginning to understand that as the silence stretched on. It could have been days, months, even years that I sat replaying things over and over in my head. Cursing myself for things I should have done differently. As I sat in my silent prison, wondering if this was to be my eternity there was a whisper of sound suddenly, an unidentifiable voice breaking through the darkness.

"Hello there young one" it called. A pleasant voice I decided, albeit a bit confusing on age and gender. Guess that didn't really matter anymore either.

"Hi. So are you here to read me the rights of heaven or hell? Or is it purgatory limbo for me? Or do I Just sit here and you teach me the ways of alchemy and 'truth'? I thought I was supposed to just sit here forever or something. Are you gonna punish me? I was mostly good in life so I don't think I should be torn limb from limb or skinned alive in hell or made to eat spiders or whatever you're supposed to do in hell."

A chuckle. "In a way, yes that is why I am here. I am here for your healing. Do you remember what happened to you now?"

I nodded, but realized the voice may not have been able to see since it had no physical body so I gave a hesitant yes. "I took one too many sleeping pills and downed a bottle of whiskey and woke up here." I cringed at my own answer. Definitely not a shining moment for me, justifiable or not. I knew I should have kept pushing, kept trying, desperately making my way to the "better days." But I didn't and I died and now I was talking to a disembodied voice who was probably about to tell me I had ruined my immortal soul for good.

"Yes you are correct in a sense. You did ruin it. And before you ask, like so many others of your kind, yes I read your thoughts. I can see you. I am the keeper of souls. It is my duty to heal and return all living souls to the earth after passing. I see all. I hear all. The time has come for me to prepare you for reincarnation. These things vary from soul to soul. Some wish to seek out the souls of their family, some seek a land of peace and tranquility, some wish to be punished for their deeds, others wish only to slumber here until they are ready to be reborn. You must choose your path."

 _This sounds so much like the premise of a novel it hurts. Probably a John Green one. Bet my names gonna be Nova Sunshine and I'm of course going to fall in love with lonely protagonist boy Darden Whitechapel after a long-winded adventure. Please spare me._ It was hard to keep the sarcasm out of my thoughts. So many times had I read stories and played games using this premise. It was a bit clichéd for me, but what the hell. If I get to choose then I might as well make it fun.

"So I can pick my place of healing?"

"That is correct."

"Are there any rules?"

"You may not travel back in time or to the future to change history, nor may you take the place of another soul."

"So let's say I wanna live in a video game or book world. Could that be done?"

A pause followed my question. "Yes that is possible….it would be in the form of a long, long dream. When your soul is ready you will be brought back to the world of the living."

"Oooooh does that mean I can change my appearance and have cool powers and—"

The Keeper cut me off before I could finish. "You are a soul, and a soul is amorphous. It is what you make it to be. But let it be known that you will simply exist in this dream. You will not be able to alter important events, much like with the real world."

"So I'll just be a background NPC character? That's kinda lame…but I guess beggars can't be choosers so where do I wanna gooo…"

The Keeper remained silent as I thought over my options. I could live in the world of Harry Potter or with Aelin in Erilea or Feyre in Prythian. My world had been full of books. Stories that I devoured like a woman starved of food at a buffet. Books and games had been my solace when life was tough. And one such story came to mind. The perfect place to heal. To feel whole again.

"Take me to the world of Tales of Zestiria. Take me to Elysia, home of the Seraphim. Let's have the gentle shepherd cure me of my malevolence." I couldn't help but laugh. What a dream that would be.

The Keeper's voice returned and chanting began, steadily growing louder and louder. A faint glow was beginning to form ahead of me in the shape of a door. "If this is what you wish," the voice rang out, "then so be it. Through the door you will find what you seek. When it is time I will come for you again."

I could see trees beyond the door now. A bright blue sky, a faint breeze through the trees, grass swaying gently. I staggered forward, about to race for that inviting place. But a thought crossed my mind that left me hesitant.

"How long do I have? In this dream I mean. On earth they said I'd go to hell for what I'd done. This seems to be much more pleasant. No punishment at all."

There was a sad sigh. "A soul is neither good nor evil. It is the core of all living things. The choices you make define you. When you die you must be cleansed to be reborn. A soul can not return until it has been wiped clean. Tabula rasa as you humans say. The actions in life determine how long the soul must cleanse to be returned. In your case you believed you were so broken beyond repair that you ended your own life. The grief you've caused yourself and those around you has left your soul scarred. It will be quite some time before I may come for you. But like all dreams it will come to an end eventually. You will wake up. And then life can begin anew. Go now. It is time to begin."

I was still doubtful. This seemed too good to be true. But the voice brokered no room for argument so I turned to my destination. The closer I came to the door the brighter the light became until finally I was enveloped in a warm sensation, like a full body hug. I passed through the opening in the void, surrounded in the protective feeling until I was through the other side. I blinked rapidly as the light blinded my eyes temporarily. But when I opened them again I could only gape in amazement. I was in the most beautiful area I had ever seen. I was surrounded by a dazzling emerald forest. The massive trees creating a dense canopy, with brightly colored wildflowers growing in patches of sunlight leaking in from above. A crystal clear spring bubbled nearby and birds could be heard chirping merrily all around.

"I feel like I just stepped into a friggin Disney princess movie. Swear to god if everyone starts singing whenever something happens I WILL leave. Immediately" I shuddered at the thought, and walked towards the stream. I wanted to see what I had turned myself in to now that I had a body again. Familiar gray eyes stared back at me from the blurred reflection of the water. Tan skin and fluffy brown hair cut short. Average height, curvy frame. The same face and body I had seen all my life. It was almost comforting in a way. I had spent so long in the dark that the familiar details made it less frightening (and no longer needing glasses was a pretty awesome bonus). This was real. And boy was I gonna have a fucking blast with it. But first...

"Where the hell am I?"


End file.
